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Chapter 13: A Ridiculous Play

“Let her come inside.” With a gloomy face, Yun Shi Wei called out towards the window.

“You heard that, right? Elder Cousin called me inside, you dumbass servant.” Qian Feng Jiao cursed at him and entered the hall with an arrogant expression. She turned a blind eye to Ruan Zhu and Yun Shi Wei but seeing Yun Shi Yi, the rims of her eyes quickly turned red. Quickly walking towards him, she said: “Eldest Cousin, I just went to Wutong Building but Xiao Feng and Xiao Shan said you weren’t there, so I came here instead.”

Eyes brimming with tears, she continued to walk closer to him while saying: “Eldest Cousin, why didn’t you inform me when you got married? Could it be that you feared I would ruin your good engagement? My family also concealed it from me and think that I’m not pleasing to their eyes. Am I really that unlikable?”

Yun Shi Yi didn’t wait for her to come close to him. Grabbing Ruan Zhu, he picked her up in an embrace similar to how one would hold a baby, with his hands intersecting at her back. This position caused them to be very close to each other. Lowering his head, he planted kisses on her mouth: “Wife, you did not eat much this morning. You must be hungry now so this husband will have some servants send some dishes over.”

Yun Shi Wei heard his words and swiftly yelled towards the window: “Dao Qiang, Jian Ji, you two go to the kitchen and ask Auntie Zhang to send some tasty dishes over. Just say the Eldest Lady is hungry and it’s important to hurry.”

“I didn’t say I was hungry, ah!” Ruan Zhu blinked her eyes. Dao Qiang and Jian Ji–These were the names given to his servants? They were too strange. Well, the names really do complement their Master nicely.[a]

“Wife, if you are hungry, then just be good and listen. Eat some more so I can raise you a little plumper. The you as you are now is too thin and weak. When I carry you, it feels as light as a feather, causing this husband to feel distressed.” Yun Shi Yi reprimanded her with a serious face.

Ruan Zhu didn’t know whether to laugh or cry. She was thin and weak? Why didn’t she think so? Other than her waist being a little too small, the other places that should have meat all had some meat. This body was naturally petite but well proportioned and slim. It could be classified as a typical beauty from the Han dynasty. Bright but not short, delicate but not long, her proportions were just right. Her physique was in accordance with this era’s beauty aesthetic.

But then she saw Yun Shi Yi sitting down on a chair and placing her on his legs. What is this, PDA? While thinking this, Ruan Zhu noticed Qian Feng Jiao making her way over with an ashen expression while fiercely glaring at her. The degree of hatred leveled at Ruan Zhu made it seem as if she (QFJ) was going to devour her.

Ruan Zhu repeatedly blinked her eyes again, realizing some things. Fine, who told him to be her husband. What he wanted to do, she will cooperate. Wrapping her arms around his neck, she coyishly asked: “Husband Lord, since you have said it like this, this wife is indeed a little hungry.” She was so embarrassed, she wanted to die. Goosebumps had already appeared on her skin. Lin Chi Ling’s posture and attitude was not something that everyone could imitate![b] “Call Dao....”

“Dao Qiang, Jian Ji.”

“Yes, tell them to hurry and immediately bring the dishes over.”

“Why are you holding her?” Qian Feng Jiao stared at Ruan Zhu, showing an expression of contempt and hatred born out of jealousy. She snorted: “Could it be that she doesn’t know how to walk? Is she lame?”

Yun Shi Yi’s expression changed as he inclined his eyes to glance at Qian Feng Jiao. Turning his eyes back towards Ruan Zhu, he lightly smiled: “I am unwilling to let her walk as holding her like this is very comfortable. You don’t know how naughty she is, always unwilling to let me carry her. Isn’t that right, Zhu Zhu, my wife? Next time you can’t be like this, okay~”

“All right, Husband Lord!” Ruan Zhu bashfully answered him with her arms still around his neck.

“This mischievous girl.” He had been called ‘Husband Lord’ by his wife twice now, so was happy from head to toe. He gently tapped her on the nose, their atmosphere clearly intimate.

Qian Feng Jiao was so angry she stamped her foot: “What’s so good about her? Her appearance isn’t as beautiful as mine. To seduce my eldest cousin and sit on his lap–you’re awfully pleased with yourself, aren’t you? I’ve never met such a wanton woman like you who doesn’t know what honorable conduct means.”

“This miss is too funny. What does this husband and wife’s love got to do with you? Moreover, this is in our residence, not in broad daylight with a thousand staring eyes. Even if we had been seen because of you charging in, you ought to withdraw. Is it possible that in your own home, you also burst into your parents’ room, saying and doing this kind of malicious accusations?” Ruan Zhu was somewhat enraged. Indeed, who was she trying to provoke? This girl definitely had some mental issues. She was even able to speak out those kinds of words, yet wasn’t afraid to be made into a laughingstock.

“You shameful little girl, what courage you have to dare speak to me this way!” Qian Feng Jiao had been spoiled from childhood. All of her family members concede to her so never had she experienced this sort of back talk. Her eyes filled with fury, she glared: “Do you believe I’ll beat the crap out of you, you shameless hussy who loves to blab. I’ll let you be proud of stealing someone’s man, you obscene prostitute. Inevitably, there will be a day when you are thrown away by my eldest cousin like how worn out clothes and broken scraps are tossed into a trash can.”

Whose family’s lover did I steal? Why do I have to be tossed into the trash can like worn out clothes and broken scraps?

Ruan Zhu stared blankly at her. This was indeed an example of the art of cursing another person. Compared to Ma Cui Yun, her skill was much higher. In China, scolding others could be considered a skill. Look at how Americans cursed at each other–there wasn’t much variety as they only used one word ‘shit’. In the TV series 《The Deer and the Cauldron》[c], Wei Xiao Bao was also very vexed when using Russian to swear at the demons. Russian is superficial and the amount of words and sentences that can be used are limited, so swearing at someone only resulted in ever saying stuff like ‘You are a smelly swine and you eat feces’. But because this wasn’t the case with Chinese, then wouldn’t this mean the Chinese phrases I use to curse at people are varied, with endless combinations?

Ruan Zhu had just been cursed at, so how could she not have a reason to retort back? Her nature was definitely not one of a punching bag. She sat up straight on Yun Shi Yi’s lap: “Miss Qian, do you have poor eyesight and problems with your ears to not notice that everyone lets you have your way? Or is it that from birth, you were a cucumis, asking to be hit? And then after growing up, you were a walnut, asking to be hammered? And now you are like a broken motorcycle.......Eh, that’s not it. I think while being ugly is not your fault, it’s wrong for you to go outside and scare people.”[d]

“Where am I ugly? You unrestrained prostitute with no sense of shame, you think it’s reasonable to steal another’s man?” Being called ugly caused Qian Feng Jiao to be hopping mad and she started to babble incoherently in her anger.

“Eh? You keep repeating that I stole a man away, but which family’s son did I steal? If you have the evidence then just say it. Who did that man have a previous engagement with or did the man have secret affairs with such-and-such women? If you don’t say it clearly, it will be that you are merely frothing at your mouth, letting others think you act shamelessly. Don’t think that just because you are pampered at home, it will be the same outside. You need to know that outsiders yield to you not because they’re afraid of you, and it’s definitely not because they like you, but to give your parents some face and respect. In your family members’ eyes, you may be a treasure, but that may not be the case to an outsider.”

“You dare say this to this esteemed Miss, you really have no manners.”

Qian Feng Jiao’s eyebrows immediately went upwards in anger, and she menacingly rushed over with every intent of being violent, meaning to grab Ruan Zhu. But with one brush of Yun Shi Yi’s sleeve, she was flung aside. A gust of wind had directly hit her, causing her to involuntarily stagger backwards a few steps with the impact. Tears immediately formed in her eyes: “Eldest Cousin, you would really oppose Younger Cousin because of an irrelevant person?”

Ruan Zhu didn’t know whether to laugh or cry. She was ‘an irrelevant person’? What a monstrous fallacy.

“That’s enough.” Yun Shi Yi’s face was cold.

“Are you finished yet? If you don’t want to look a fool, leave. What the hell, no one even invited you here. If it wasn’t for me trying to show Paternal Aunt Qian some respect, I would have long tossed you out like a sand bag. You really are annoying to death.”

Yun Shi Wei did not have his older brother’s patience and his taunts caused Qian Feng Jiao’s face to become ashen.

Right at this time, the heads of the Yun household, Master Yun and Madam Yun, walked towards Jian Garden. The moment they stepped inside, all the courtyard’s servants immediately went to bow in greeting.

It turned out that when Dao Qiang and Jian Ji went to the kitchens, they were seen by the two elders and thus gave a report on the current situation inside Jian Garden. Upon hearing that the Qian family’s daughter was here causing trouble, the two masters hurriedly rushed over as they were extremely anxious that their sons’ reputations would be ruined, resulting in the latter being looked down on by their wife.

Hearing the sound of greetings in the courtyard, Ruan Zhu immediately got up from Yun Shi Yi’s lap and straightened her clothes.

“This child greets Father and Mother.”

She stood next to the two brothers, bowing alongside them to wish good fortune and happiness on the two elders.

The Yun parents saw that the atmosphere inside could still be considered peaceful and that the new bride’s state of mind was not bad. They breathed a sigh of relief and Madam Yun asked Ruan Zhu: “Zhu Zhu, are you all right?”

Ruan Zhu knit her eyebrows and forced herself to smile: “It is nothing, Mother. This young one has not handled matters well, forcing Mother to run over in worry without rest after only just arriving home. It is this daughter-in-law that is unfilial.”

Madam Yun felt as if she had been cleansed by a spring wind after listening to Ruan Zhu’s words. She thought in her mind that sure enough, the daughter-in-law she personally chose was the right choice. Compared to her niece from her husband’s side, it was truly like comparing an angel to a devil. Her self-confidence increased.

Quite displeased, she faced Qian Feng Jiao: “Qian girl, nowadays you are older. Don’t carelessly enter a man’s residence. The rumors that are passed outside are not pleasant to hear. They may have no affect on your reputation but Shi Yi and Shi Wei still have to conduct themselves with integrity!”

Qian Feng Jiao had already felt wronged and hearing Madam Yun’s admonition caused her to feel even more hurt. Her tears dripped down: “Maternal aunt, when I was young, you always pampered me. Why is it that you’re treating me like this because of a stranger?”

Ruan Zhu was speechless and felt that Miss Qian had, from the beginning, always saw her as a stranger to the Yun family.

Madam Yun did not have good feelings towards her niece from her husband’s family. Running out of patience, she waved her hand: “Okay. In a little while, go to Ruyi Pavilion for a meal. Afterwards, I’ll have Lou Yun and Cai Yue send you back. Henceforth, do not come back to our Yun residence.”

“Maternal uncle!” Qian Feng Jiao cast an aggrieved look at Master Yun.

Master Yun felt a headache incoming, but he was unwilling to go against his wife’s wishes: “Listen to your maternal aunt. When you return home, Paternal Uncle will give you a new bolt of Jiangnan cloud brocade for you to make new clothes with. Hm, that.....Zhu Zhu also has a share.”

He felt that he could not favor one and discriminate against the other, otherwise he will be scolded severely by his wife later. Seeing his wife giving him a meaningful look, he could only pull Qian Feng Jiao outside: “Go to Ruyi Pavilion. I will have someone prepare dishes for you.”

“I did not say I would go. I still have things to say to Eldest Cousin.” Qian Feng Jiao was unwilling to forgive what happened earlier and turned around to yell at Yun Shi Yi: “Eldest Cousin, leave that woman and marry me, okay? I’ll let you be my principal husband. What part of that woman is good? What part can compare to me?”

With a large voice, Yun Shi Wei retorted: “Her everything is better than you. She is more beautiful, more gentle, more reasonable, even her voice sounds nicer than yours.”

Qian Feng Jiao sobbed loudly and was pulled and dragged away by Master Yun.

Madam Yun stared at Master Yun dragging Qian Feng Jiao out of Jian Garden before turning to Yun Shi Wei, disciplining him: “It’s not like you don’t know what sort of temper Feng Jiao has, yet you still dared to let her inside. In the past, you were all small and could play together. Now you are all grown but you still don’t take into account the possible consequences. Zhu Zhu’s character is good to not bicker with you about this. If she was another person who was not as forgiving, I would like to see what you would do then?”

Yun Shi Wei complained: “Isn’t it all because Mother and Father instructed us to always yield to that stupid girl? Did Mother really think I would pay attention to such someone so uncivilized and argumentative? And now somehow it’s all my fault.”

Pointing her finger at his nose, Madam Yun scolded: “Who do you think you are? Learning martial arts for how many years and practicing how to control your temperament, yet you’ve become feral. Yesterday I met Ma Cui Yun on the road as I was returning. At that time I didn’t know you had even had your crotch touched. You shameless and smelly kid dare to make a fuss in front of this old woman. What a disgraceful child lacking in character. Later, go do embroidery with Lou Yun and Cai Yue. If you can’t do it well, you will be forbidden from practicing martial arts for a month and also forbidden from leaving the Yun residence.”

“Don’t!” Yun Shi Wei was distressed and bowed with clasped hands over and over again towards Madam Yun: “Son was wrong to contradict Mother. If you are still angry, then just hit me one hundred times with a paddle to relieve your anger. Please, by all means, you must not have me learn how to embroider. I will be tortured to death and the embroidery needles will pierce through my fingers. The skin on this body was given by the parents so it must not be harmed. If this son were to be wounded, wouldn’t it be Mother that would feel distressed and painful? At that time even if this son compensates you by dying a hundred times, it would still be this son’s greatest unfilial act.”

Ruan Zhu’s laughter fell like thunder. This Yun Shi Wei normally seems rather simple-minded, and she didn’t think there would be times when he was this amusing.

[a] 刀枪 | Dao Qiang | lit. sword and spear ; 剑戟 | Jian Ji | lit. double-edged sword (+) halberd

[b] Lin Chi Ling is a Taiwanese model, actress, singer. (Wikipedia)

[c] 鹿鼎记 | The Deer and the Cauldron (Wikipedia)

[d] Cucumis/walnut/motorcycle lines are from an internet ‘cursing manual’. Cucumis is similar to a cantaloupe in shape but is related to cucumber family. Melons are usually hit to test if ripe. Walnuts need to be hammered to open them. Complete motorcycle line is ‘You are a broken motorcycle, asking to be kicked (in anger)’